But can it hug me back? Can it fuck.

Once upon a time when I was in a loving, committed relationship, I wrote this piece of crap. I’ve been single for nearly six months now and I can unhappily say I agree with my former HAPPY self. Yes, having a bed to yourself is nice but jeez do I miss the cuddles.

I told my colleague the other day I actually hugged a pillow in bed one night not so long ago. But not only that, I laid the pillow out on what would have been his side of the bed and put my arm round it whilst lying on my side, just to emulate the spoon position.

“You’re breaking my heart,” was my colleague’s only response when I told him what I’d done.

At the time I didn’t think of the practice as something to pity, but after doing it for the third night in a row, I threw that fucking pillow on the floor in frustration. And disgust.

Yes, I can hug a pillow and pretend it’s a nice, warm pliable body instead a cold, cotton stuffed piece of crap. But can it hug me back? Can it fuck. And that’s what I hate. I missed being hugged.

Suggestions please.

Hug donations kindly welcomed.

To my ex, the only thing big about you was your ego – HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Today was the ex’s birthday. I admit it was a little weird not being there to share the day with him, although I did enjoy the fact I was no longer duty bound to buy him a gift. So ok, perhaps I was officially broke until Tuesday and couldn’t afford to buy him anything anyway, but even if I could, I was merely happy because he’s impossible to shop for. And I no longer had to attempt to do it!

There are some things you don’t miss about relationships, and for me, that is one of them.

Still, because we live within walking distance of each other, we decided to meet up for a breakfast birthday coffee. I couldn’t exactly come empty handed (and carrying a soggy umbrella doesn’t count either) – so the day before I went in pursuit of purchasing him a birthday card.

Seriously, have you ever tried to find a suitable card for an ex? It’s impossible.

No, I don’t love him. He’s not the world’s perfect boyfriend. He’s not my gorgeous fiancé. He’s not the “someone special in my life” either. Similarly, he’s not a dear friend. He’s not my shining light, or my best bud.

Boyfriends; Fiancés; Husbands; Best Friends – No, no, no and NO! He was neither of these things; perhaps once upon a time, but certainly not now. I continued looking around. I saw a section for everything else EXCEPT exes.

Well obviously! I hear you cry – they are exes for a reason.

But what if you’re still on friendly terms with your ex? And by friendly I mean you no longer have the urge to throw a brick at their head. What sort of card do you get them then?

That’s when I saw it.

The HUMOUR section.

Perfect.

I sidled over and picked out a few that caught my eye.

Terrible, just terrible.

Everything was either humorous stuff for couples or so god damn silly, if I gave him the card he’d have smiled painfully and issued up a silent prayer of thanks that he was no longer stuck with me for the rest of his life.

The lack of choice got me thinking – there is an untapped market for cards relating to ex partners!

Just imagine the fun that could be had. I began imagining such cards existing.

To my ex, I slept with your best friend – HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

To my ex, the only thing big about you was your ego – HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

To my ex, I slept with your Dad – HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

To my ex, You’re a cunt – HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

The possibilities were endless.

Unfortunately, this is the real world. And my only choices were between a carrot in a wig or a card depicting an easily frustrated IT guy.

Well, you can probably guess which one I went for.

Why does it always rain on me?

I hate that song. And yet there I was singing it all the way home, in the rain no less. Of course being British I would moan about the weather – but then I have more reason to than most people. I work at Heathrow airport.

Oh ho! I hear you cry.

Why does that warrant a moan-laden blog post?

Because Heathrow airport is full of holes, so when it rains outside, it’s rains inside too!

There I was putting books out, as per usual, when I felt something wet spray lovingly across my face. Last time I checked there wasn’t much need for water in a bookshop; pages aren’t quite as readable when soggy. And the only time you usually feel a spray of wetness is when a person sneezes and the book they’re holding isn’t quite wide enough to catch the mist… before closing it gently and replacing it on the shelf.

God, I fucking hate it when they do that. Kids are the worst for it.

So either I was being sneezed on or there was a leak. Part of me wishes it was a sneeze; I’d simply shoot the sneezer a look of disgust and then be sick for the next three days. A leak was much worse. I’d have to mop up the water with some Starbucks tissues (because we’re too cheap to buy a mop) and then put a bucket out to catch the water, along with a sign saying “WET FLOOR, SWIM WITH CAUTION.” All that and I’d still have to call property services to tell them to mend the bloody roof.

So you see I wanted it to be a sneeze, really I did. A sneeze would have been easy peasy, lemon sneezy. Or something.

But it wasn’t.

It was a leak – a huge leak. And because the ceiling tiles were metal things with little holes in (think speaker covers) the water sprayed everywhere. The bucket (which was really an empty crate we use to transport books in) wasn’t big enough to catch the onslaught of water.

So I did my mopping, or rather tissuing and I put out my little crate (although fat lot of good that did as it had more water around the damn thing than inside it.) The only thing left to do now was to ring property services. And dry my hair. But I couldn’t find their number. And I didn’t have my hairdryer handy. It’s as if they didn’t want to be rung. So I did the next best thing. I went for a walkabout to find someone who knew. I’d barely gone ten paces around the corner before I saw it.

Buckets.

Everywhere.

Drip. Drip. Drip. Splash.

A multitude of WET FLOOR signs dotted around the place as if it was trying to tell me something. Oh it was. WET FLOOR.

CAUTION.

YOU MAY SLIP AND FALL AND BE FORCED TO CALL AN ACCIDENT CLAIM HELPINE AND EARN A FEW DAYS OFF WORK ALONG WITH SOME NO WIN NO FEE CASH…

Well, I could wish.

I stood short at 5ft4 looking all around me, for miles I could see nothing but little islands of people surrounded by water.

Well I wasn’t going to swim through that. I’m sure property services would’ve changed their number by now anyway seeing as they must have received about a billion calls from Heathrow today asking them to mend the BLOODY ROOF.

So I did what any upstanding employee would do, I turned back around and carried on putting out books.

I just hope someone remembers to empty that bucket…

I am anything but weak

I’ve been trying to figure out the best way to share with you what I’m about to share; how much detail I should divulge, how much feeling I should put into my words. I’ve decided the best way – the only way, is to be completely honest. And whatever comes out, is supposed to come out. Whatever I say is whatever I mean. And whatever I mean is whatever I feel.

No more, no less.

I touched upon the subject of my personal crisis in my last update. And I now feel the time’s right to elaborate, not because I wish to have all eyes on me, but because this blog has always been my outlet. Just because I usually post humorous things, doesn’t mean I don’t have other feelings. Just because I make light of situations, doesn’t mean things don’t impact me.

Right now my room is a mess. I have clothes lying haphazardly all over my floor. Packaging from recent DVD purchases lay scattered about in a careless manner. These things reflect how I’m feeling. For the past couple of weeks I haven’t wanted to make any effort to get up and go to work; it’s probably the closest to depression I’ll ever allow myself to feel.

And yet I did go into work. Every single day I went, even when my itinerary for the day was one endless, mindless task of shifting books into a more orderly fashion. I would rather throw myself into a shitty job then allow myself to physically wallow.

Rejection is a bitter pill to take; most of the time it’s forced upon you. No one wants to put themselves out there just to be knocked back, or down – or crushed. And yet it happens in everyday life, it’s a part of life. Without it, we wouldn’t know what we’re capable of. We would have nothing to compare to that feeling of knowing what getting what we want feels like, if we didn’t know what it was to be rejected.

In that sense, I can appreciate the sentiments of rejection.

The whole point of it is to figure out where you’re going wrong, or what you could do better. It’s about objectifying your actions into a way that improves you as a person.

I’m not saying I’m perfect, far from it, but what if you feel that everything you gave to someone was everything you could possibly give, that it’s everything you are – and yet you were still rejected for it. To the point where that person doesn’t even acknowledge your existence anymore?

How am I supposed to get my head around that?

Objectively speaking, I should realise that this person isn’t worth it. Surely if they can’t even give me the time of day, then why do I continue to fill my time with thoughts of them?

They said they were honest with me from the beginning, if that’s the case, then why do I feel as if every feeling they said they ever had towards me, was a complete lie?

Because if they didn’t lie, then why weren’t their feelings enough to keep the friendship alive?

He said my words were too strong.

I am anything but weak.

Which is why I hate the fact I’m feeling this way over a guy. I’ve been through much worse and I’ve let it affect me much less.

He said he doesn’t regret knowing me, only the ugly way in which it ended.

It only turned ugly when he rejected me completely from his life.

He said I was too forceful in pursuing the friendship after he ended it.

I thought you were supposed to fight for the things you wanted. For the things that meant something to you.

I am tenacious, not desperate.

I can’t make somebody like me; I just thought at one point, they actually did.

And that it was enough.

It’s been emotional

If anyone was to spot me walking through town early this morning, they would have seen a dishevelled looking woman clutching a bottle of water as if she was trying to dilute a very serious hangover. It didn’t help either that I was walking with a limp, an indication perhaps that I fell over in a drunken state the previous night. Or that my makeup was a sweaty goop spread unevenly across my face.

Eventually I made it home after what felt like a very long walk of shame; my eyes could barely stay open long enough to see whether I was putting the correct key in the lock. And I was in my room for less than a second before I managed to somehow undress myself completely – before finally falling into bed.

For the past few weeks I’ve been somewhat sad about the fact I sleep alone; that there is no warm, pliable body next to mine to hold and cuddle in bed. But this morning, as I stretched my legs out, as I twisted my body horizontally across the mattress and bunched the pillows up into a comfortable mess underneath my head, I was glad there was no one there to get in the way; least not to see the state I was in.

The truth is, I hadn’t just got in from a heavy nights partying. I wasn’t even drunk. I’d just finished a twelve hour shift at work after a two week stretch of working myself ragged. The limp was from standing up and bending down repeatedly, from stretching, pulling and defending against the books which seemed to like falling on me for no other reason than to cause me pain. And my makeup was a mess from having my hands touch my face constantly, wiping away the sweat and tears of pure frustration.

My colleague and I were tasked with the impossible: to sort out and tidy the four stockrooms at work. Easy you think. But when you realise they’ve been used as a dumping ground for the last year and a half and that the only order they followed was chaos and lots of it, somehow it didn’t seem so easy anymore.

Indeed, there was many a time when I would randomly shout out in frustration, “What evil deeds did I do in my past life to deserve this torture – I’m a good person!”

My colleague could only agree and say he hoped that in his previous life he had tortured a whole myriad of people, in lots of nasty, terrifying ways. Only then would this hell seem worth it.

How many books I handled, I couldn’t tell you. How many particles of dust I inhaled, I couldn’t tell you. How many litres of sweat that poured forth from my being, I couldn’t tell you. I’d like to, but the numbers simply don’t register.

The physical aspect aside, it was the mental demands of the job which really got to me. It didn’t help that I was, and still am, going through a bit of a personal crisis. Moving books from point A to point B doesn’t require a lot of thought, just a lot of physical effort, and so I was often left with my thoughts. For two weeks I was constantly locked in my own head about the shit that was going on in my personal life; round and round it went driving me crazy. It got to the point where I very nearly spoke to a counsellor about things.

If it wasn’t for my colleague who listened to my fragile ramblings, I would have made that call.

I absolutely hate – HATE, talking about my problems to other people. I feel they are my burden to carry and no one should have that amount of crazy put on them. But being locked in a caged stockroom with only one other person, he sort of had no choice.

When I wasn’t trying to figure out WHAT WENT WRONG, I was breaking randomly into song. From Michael Jackson, to Frankie Goes to Hollywood, I sang it all. I could make a song out of anything. Even books.

For some reason (and that reason is no one buys them) we had an endless supply of Duncan Bannatyne books. It’s sad to say perhaps, but I even managed to create a little ditty out of those as well.

“Duncan Bannatyne… be my valentine… don’t let the sun shine… out of your – ARSE.”

Arse? My colleague enquired. That doesn’t rhyme with shine.

Well obviously, was my response. I just like the word.

I was truly inspired.

Or cracked.

The last day of our little project started at 6pm on Friday evening, and we worked right through until 6am Saturday morning.

As passengers started filling in at Heathrow to catch their flights, my colleague and I quietly exited the terminal. As people were coming into work, we were going home. As the day was just starting, ours was just ending.

What happened in the stockroom stays in the stockroom. And in the words of my excellent compadre and colleague, it’s been emotional.