Entries for May, 2010



The Corona Moment

Posted on May 23rd, 2010
Tags: , Posted in Life | 1 Comment »

There’s a reason why I don’t go on dates; they’re awkward, nerve-wracking and fucking embarrassing. So obviously I went on one last week, well sort of. It was only a drink but it’s a step in the right direction after four years of nothing. Indeed, the one and only proper date I’ve been on was about five years ago. It was so bad I ended up paying for both of us to go to the cinema just so I wouldn’t have to talk to him; suffice to say we never made it to round two.

But anyway, last week found me in a bar. The trouble with bars is that they’re noisy. You end up shouting at your date or missing out on entire chunks of conversation. It also means you have to stand closer to them, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing but then when that inevitable awkward silence comes into force, you have no where to look except their face, smiling like a goon.

The only real redeeming quality of getting to know someone in a bar is the alcohol. It helps to loosen the tongue. Unfortunately it has another side effect.

After bullshitting my way (badly) through the evening like I do on most job interviews, he leaned in for a kiss. I’d like to say our lips met in a crushing-life-altering kiss, but then I’d be lying. It was so much more erotic than that. I burped in his mouth.

Yes you read that right.

I BURPED IN HIS MOUTH.

Shame didn’t colour my cheeks, it flooded the place. Stupid, stupid Corona.

Next time I’ll stick with the wine.



Driving myself round the bend

Posted on May 8th, 2010
Tags: , Posted in Life | 1 Comment »

Fortunately the title relates not to my state of mind, but rather to my new found hobby; learning to drive. Ever since I was about five, I’ve had a re-occurring nightmare that goes something like this:

I’m driving (badly) in car, I crash, I die.

Yes, it was a pretty strange dream for a five year old to have, especially as it’s continued way into adulthood. God knows where the fear stemmed from, it’s not like I’d ever been involved in a road accident. And if I were to try and psychoanalyse it, I’d say it’s probably some deep rooted fear of losing control of my own life. Independence has always been the upmost of importance to me, even at the age of five.

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Coming back to myself

Posted on May 5th, 2010
Tags: , , Posted in Life | 4 Comments »

Apparently I’m a strong person. I have no idea what the fuck that means. All I know is since my relationship ended with the ex, since the truth came out about his lies and cheating, I’ve been coping – well apart from that period the other night where I cried so much I thought I’d die from dehydration.

But apart from that I’ve been fine. I’ve gone to work, I’ve taken up a new hobby (learning to drive) I’ve spent time aplenty with my bestest friend in the whole wide world and I’ve actually enjoyed watching Matt Smith play Doctor Who.

I’ve bonded with my new housemates over a pot of tea and several funny stories; I’ve enjoyed a BBQ or two. I’ve been off my face, I’ve stayed in and read until my eyesight has blurred. I’ve cooked, I’ve been out to dinner, I’ve starved, I’ve been shopping, I’ve saved, I’ve been ill – but most of all, I’ve done exactly as I wanted.

I’ve been to the gym, I’ve sweated and cursed and soldered on. I’ve walked, I’ve watched, I’ve eaten and wrote. I’ve cried, I’ve laughed and I’ve felt. I’ve listened to music, I’ve thought, I’ve gone blank, I’ve visited family, I’ve loved and more often than not, I’ve hated.

Which will explain why I’ve barely been online the past couple of months. I’ve been busy rebuilding what is essentially my soul.

I’m not there yet, but I know I will be. The fact I’m writing in my blog again means I’m one step closer to being myself. Not because it’s what I used to do before the shit hit the relationship fan, but because the ability to express myself with words is slowly returning.

I cannot put into words what I’ve been through the past few months but I hope one day soon I’ll be able to.

Anyway – I have a new design, not to mention a new domain name. It’s actually not finished yet. I still have lots of little things to add. It’s far too plain. But I’m fed up with not having a blog to write in, so it was either this or nothing at all. The concept of the design is based around lots of life affirming situations – things which have made me into the person I am now. The location (W5) is where I grew up in London and not my current location; although it’s not far off.

Not much else to say except I don’t have time to maintain my own CMS anymore, so I’ve opted for using WordPress – so far so good.