Entries for the ‘Funny’ Category



I knew Apple enabled creative types to reach the best of their potential, I just didn’t realise to what extent.

Posted on June 3rd, 2011
Tags: , , , Posted in Funny, Life | Comments Off

It turns out sitting in a coffee shop is a productive experience. Not only have I kept the coffee bean trade and the Coca Cola Company in business, but I’ve also captioned two dozen photos of a greedy squirrel.

All this wouldn’t have been possible without the use of of my brand new MacBook Pro.

Something which I succumbed to buying within the first two days of my time in Canada.

I knew Apple enabled creative types to reach the best of their potential, I just didn’t realise to what extent. My MacBook battery wasn’t even fully charged when I entered the said coffee shop nearly four hours ago and it tells me I still have three and a half hours left.

I fear the rest of my trip in Canada will be spent in other such caffeinated establishments and if I’m not careful this blog will be reduced to ramblings of the inner workings of such places rather than the beautiful landscapes of North America.

For instance, did you know there is such a thing called a suicide cake? I discovered this yesterday, when you guessed it, I was sat in another coffee shop. Imagine a normal sized slice of cake and then multiply the height of that by three and then a little bit more just for the hell of it. Next, take the calorie content of a normal slice and multiply that by a zillion.

It’s huge. The amount of calories in one mouthful alone would have me running off the edge of a cliff.

Which is why tomorrow I plan on having a slice and staying as far away from cliff faces as I possibly can. And a pair of scales too for that matter.

I’m not stupid.

Well, maybe just a little. After seeing far too many Apple based products during my time in Montreal, I admit I became a little green and decided I must have something with a big fat Apple logo on.

So after walking an hour and a half into the French/Canadian version of Oxford Street, I found an Apple store (Pomme store?)  and proceeded to stare and drool in unhealthy amounts at the shiny, overpriced machines.

I approached a sales assistant

“Please be gentle, this is my first time with a Mac.”

“Don’t worry Mam, we’ll be gentle with the machine.”

“No, I meant be gentle with me.”

I’m in love. I’m just not sure if it’s with the weird French speaking town, Montreal, or my brand new MacBook Pro.

Only time will tell.

 

 



Oh, human. Food.

Posted on June 3rd, 2011
Tags: , , Posted in Funny | 1 Comment »

“I’m so hungwee”

 

 

“Oh, human. Food!”

 

 

“You will give me food, or else!”

 

(more…)



It called out to me like a working girl flaunting her wears.

Posted on June 2nd, 2011
Tags: , , , , Posted in Funny, Life | Comments Off

Like most people who travel to far and distant lands, I made a list of things I wanted to do. The top most important must-do-thing on my list was to buy a travelling hat. I did consider buying a suitable one before even leaving London, but then it wouldn’t be a travelling hat, it’d just be a hat. And believe me, there is a difference.

A travelling hat is something you buy on your travels, and usually on a whim. It’s hopefully atrocious and fashionable in somewhere only like Bulgaria where corduroy hasn’t yet been invented.

Walking down a quiet residential street today in Montreal, I happened to cross a Salvation Army shop – full to the rafters of other people’s unwanted junk. I had a very good feeling. The hairs on the back of my arms stood up, and I’m sure if I could feel my nipples through the mountain of padding, I would have felt them pop out too.

I entered the shop and was greeted by a jumble of second hand clothing and the undeniable tang of that clothing once upon a time, living on someone else’s skin. It was like walking into a Lush shop but instead of the sickly sweet man-made smell of soap, I was assaulted by the sickly odour of old-man.

My eyes travelled over the myriad of gaudy shirts and something-even-your-dad-wouldn’t-wear trousers, when I saw it: the hat stand.

It called out to me like a working girl flaunting her wears. I had to have something from her. Tentatively my hand reached out and stroked one of the goods; soft, green corduroy caressed my finger tips. On the top of the hat was a single button.

Twee is the only word I can think of to describe it. I imagine its original owner being a fifty-six year old man with a penchant for fishing and drinking beer straight from the can, his naked, hairy toes swishing about languidly in the waters of which he is fishing from. This is the look I wanted.

Before I knew it, I had the hat on my head and was busy admiring the mess in the mirror.

It was perfect. Suitable for featuring in one of my many LOOK AT ME photos which you take whilst on holiday.

Approaching the sales register, I placed the abomination on the top of the counter and waited to find out the price: $2.

Yes, I actually paid for the opportunity of catching headlice from a second hand hat.

As Madness once sang, it must be love.



It’s probably the stupidest thing I’ve ever agreed to do

Posted on May 4th, 2011
Tags: , , , , Posted in Funny, Life | Comments Off

I appear to be on the precipice of a situation in which I find myself willingly falling towards; gravity has no power over me, I am in fact choosing to meet the ground face on – teeth first.

What the hell am I talking about?

You know when you meet someone amazing? Someone who completes you when you already feel whole? Someone who inspires you enough to end all sentences with a question mark, simply because using a full stop would mean putting a premature end to describing their awesomeness?

I’ve found that person in the most unexpected of places.

In between the bookshelves at work; with messy brown hair and glasses so officiously large, if they were to carry a wand around with them, they’d very well be mistaken for Harry Potter. Or a bit of twat.

No, I haven’t just discovered the literary delights of a certain JK Rowling. I did in fact discover those many years ago.

Instead, I have found something, or rather, someone, who I have decided is worth giving up my job for and eloping to Canada with. I won’t mention at this point that them kissing the place just behind my ear would induce me to act in similar, irrational ways. That’s just not important.

And yes, it’s probably the stupidest thing I’ve ever agreed to do (except for maybe that perm I had about six years ago) but I know it’s the right thing to do, because even when the fear of giving up a perfectly reasonable job eats away at me like a bout of terminal cancer, I know that I’ll be okay.

I know that whatever absurd, embarrassing, I’m-going-to-die-of-shame moments that will undoubtedly come my way in the following weeks, I know they will be shared in the best possible company.

I know that when I find myself back in London, jobless and with no money having spent it all gallivanting around Northern America with nothing but someone else’s clothes on my back – I know it will all be okay.

And even if it won’t be, I’m sure I’ll have a hell of time getting to that point of: Where did it all go wrong?

My only concern will be, when can we do it again?



He looked a bit different because he had bee surgery

Posted on April 28th, 2011
Tags: , , Posted in Funny, Life, Writing | 2 Comments »

Recently I’ve discovered that my mum is a hoarder (not to be confused with a whore) of all things my brothers and I have ever drawn, written or scribbled on. This has led me to spend the past few hours going through a tiny portion of childhood memories in the form of illegible writing and badly drawn pictures.

I’ve enjoyed myself immensely.

Can I recommend to all parents who don’t do so already, to please keep EVERYTHING your child creates. It will provide hours of fun when said child is at home very much an adult and who should know better than to be sitting on the floor pouring over old drawings and the like.

(more…)

« Older Entries
Newer Entries »