“I’m so hungwee”
“Oh, human. Food!”
“You will give me food, or else!”
Entries Tagged ‘Funny’
It called out to me like a working girl flaunting her wears.
Posted on June 2nd, 2011
Tags: Funny, Holiday, Life, Random, Travelbug Posted in Funny, Life | Comments Off
Tags: Funny, Holiday, Life, Random, Travelbug Posted in Funny, Life | Comments Off
Like most people who travel to far and distant lands, I made a list of things I wanted to do. The top most important must-do-thing on my list was to buy a travelling hat. I did consider buying a suitable one before even leaving London, but then it wouldn’t be a travelling hat, it’d just be a hat. And believe me, there is a difference.
A travelling hat is something you buy on your travels, and usually on a whim. It’s hopefully atrocious and fashionable in somewhere only like Bulgaria where corduroy hasn’t yet been invented.
Walking down a quiet residential street today in Montreal, I happened to cross a Salvation Army shop – full to the rafters of other people’s unwanted junk. I had a very good feeling. The hairs on the back of my arms stood up, and I’m sure if I could feel my nipples through the mountain of padding, I would have felt them pop out too.
I entered the shop and was greeted by a jumble of second hand clothing and the undeniable tang of that clothing once upon a time, living on someone else’s skin. It was like walking into a Lush shop but instead of the sickly sweet man-made smell of soap, I was assaulted by the sickly odour of old-man.
My eyes travelled over the myriad of gaudy shirts and something-even-your-dad-wouldn’t-wear trousers, when I saw it: the hat stand.
It called out to me like a working girl flaunting her wears. I had to have something from her. Tentatively my hand reached out and stroked one of the goods; soft, green corduroy caressed my finger tips. On the top of the hat was a single button.
Twee is the only word I can think of to describe it. I imagine its original owner being a fifty-six year old man with a penchant for fishing and drinking beer straight from the can, his naked, hairy toes swishing about languidly in the waters of which he is fishing from. This is the look I wanted.
Before I knew it, I had the hat on my head and was busy admiring the mess in the mirror.
It was perfect. Suitable for featuring in one of my many LOOK AT ME photos which you take whilst on holiday.
Approaching the sales register, I placed the abomination on the top of the counter and waited to find out the price: $2.
Yes, I actually paid for the opportunity of catching headlice from a second hand hat.
As Madness once sang, it must be love.
It’s probably the stupidest thing I’ve ever agreed to do
Posted on May 4th, 2011
Tags: Funny, Holiday, Life, Rambling, Travelbug Posted in Funny, Life | Comments Off
Tags: Funny, Holiday, Life, Rambling, Travelbug Posted in Funny, Life | Comments Off
I appear to be on the precipice of a situation in which I find myself willingly falling towards; gravity has no power over me, I am in fact choosing to meet the ground face on – teeth first.
What the hell am I talking about?
You know when you meet someone amazing? Someone who completes you when you already feel whole? Someone who inspires you enough to end all sentences with a question mark, simply because using a full stop would mean putting a premature end to describing their awesomeness?
I’ve found that person in the most unexpected of places.
In between the bookshelves at work; with messy brown hair and glasses so officiously large, if they were to carry a wand around with them, they’d very well be mistaken for Harry Potter. Or a bit of twat.
No, I haven’t just discovered the literary delights of a certain JK Rowling. I did in fact discover those many years ago.
Instead, I have found something, or rather, someone, who I have decided is worth giving up my job for and eloping to Canada with. I won’t mention at this point that them kissing the place just behind my ear would induce me to act in similar, irrational ways. That’s just not important.
And yes, it’s probably the stupidest thing I’ve ever agreed to do (except for maybe that perm I had about six years ago) but I know it’s the right thing to do, because even when the fear of giving up a perfectly reasonable job eats away at me like a bout of terminal cancer, I know that I’ll be okay.
I know that whatever absurd, embarrassing, I’m-going-to-die-of-shame moments that will undoubtedly come my way in the following weeks, I know they will be shared in the best possible company.
I know that when I find myself back in London, jobless and with no money having spent it all gallivanting around Northern America with nothing but someone else’s clothes on my back – I know it will all be okay.
And even if it won’t be, I’m sure I’ll have a hell of time getting to that point of: Where did it all go wrong?
My only concern will be, when can we do it again?
He looked a bit different because he had bee surgery
Posted on April 28th, 2011
Tags: Funny, Personal, Writing Posted in Funny, Life, Writing | 2 Comments »
Tags: Funny, Personal, Writing Posted in Funny, Life, Writing | 2 Comments »
Recently I’ve discovered that my mum is a hoarder (not to be confused with a whore) of all things my brothers and I have ever drawn, written or scribbled on. This has led me to spend the past few hours going through a tiny portion of childhood memories in the form of illegible writing and badly drawn pictures.
I’ve enjoyed myself immensely.
Can I recommend to all parents who don’t do so already, to please keep EVERYTHING your child creates. It will provide hours of fun when said child is at home very much an adult and who should know better than to be sitting on the floor pouring over old drawings and the like.
I like to believe my awkward, embarrassing tendencies can be construed as charming
I have a tendency to share information with people thinking a) it’s relevant and b) it’ll help my cause in trying to pass myself off as a normal, functioning human being. In truth it seems that a) it’s not and b) nothing I ever say will help me attain this.
Part of my problem I believe is that I speak without due care and attention. If I were to drive like I talk, my license would have been revoked years ago.
Picture the scene, one post-coitus evening found me lying in bed with a man and more importantly, a bag of kettle chips. Deciding the polite thing to do would be to ask if I could perhaps have one, or three, but not caring what his response would actually be, I asked whilst delving my sleepy little hand into that kettle chip bag, and eventually found my fix. (more…)