No more, no less.

I touched upon the subject of my personal crisis in my last update. And I now feel the time’s right to elaborate, not because I wish to have all eyes on me, but because this blog has always been my outlet. Just because I usually post humorous things, doesn’t mean I don’t have other feelings. Just because I make light of situations, doesn’t mean things don’t impact me.

Right now my room is a mess. I have clothes lying haphazardly all over my floor. Packaging from recent DVD purchases lay scattered about in a careless manner. These things reflect how I’m feeling. For the past couple of weeks I haven’t wanted to make any effort to get up and go to work; it’s probably the closest to depression I’ll ever allow myself to feel.

And yet I did go into work. Every single day I went, even when my itinerary for the day was one endless, mindless task of shifting books into a more orderly fashion. I would rather throw myself into a shitty job then allow myself to physically wallow.

Rejection is a bitter pill to take; most of the time it’s forced upon you. No one wants to put themselves out there just to be knocked back, or down – or crushed. And yet it happens in everyday life, it’s a part of life. Without it, we wouldn’t know what we’re capable of. We would have nothing to compare to that feeling of knowing what getting what we want feels like, if we didn’t know what it was to be rejected.

In that sense, I can appreciate the sentiments of rejection.

The whole point of it is to figure out where you’re going wrong, or what you could do better. It’s about objectifying your actions into a way that improves you as a person.

I’m not saying I’m perfect, far from it, but what if you feel that everything you gave to someone was everything you could possibly give, that it’s everything you are – and yet you were still rejected for it. To the point where that person doesn’t even acknowledge your existence anymore?

How am I supposed to get my head around that?

Objectively speaking, I should realise that this person isn’t worth it. Surely if they can’t even give me the time of day, then why do I continue to fill my time with thoughts of them?

They said they were honest with me from the beginning, if that’s the case, then why do I feel as if every feeling they said they ever had towards me, was a complete lie?

Because if they didn’t lie, then why weren’t their feelings enough to keep the friendship alive?

He said my words were too strong.

I am anything but weak.

Which is why I hate the fact I’m feeling this way over a guy. I’ve been through much worse and I’ve let it affect me much less.

He said he doesn’t regret knowing me, only the ugly way in which it ended.

It only turned ugly when he rejected me completely from his life.

He said I was too forceful in pursuing the friendship after he ended it.

I thought you were supposed to fight for the things you wanted. For the things that meant something to you.

I am tenacious, not desperate.

I can’t make somebody like me; I just thought at one point, they actually did.

And that it was enough.

For my sanity has left me, or perhaps it’s just arrived.
I never knew the difference until you looked into my eyes.
And as my world began to turn; I found you caught me by surprise.
With every passing moment, we come closer yet, to our goodbyes.

You stayed only for a second, I’ll remember you longer still.
I’ll try and count forever, but I don’t think I have the will –
To see that far ahead as I keep on looking back.
Know only this, I miss you; I watch our curtain fade to black.